Tuesday night I was at work and decided to browse the internet in search of pictures of sisterlocks. During my search I came across the website Cammalocks. This consultant has the ability to part the most perfect grids that I have seen on any locked head so far. When I viewed the images of the locks I got a serious case of loc envy. So much so that I've been thinking about and comparing my locs to the ones on that site for two days. I've even read something somewhere discussing differences between loc envy and loc admiration. There was no question in my mind that I had loc envy because I just kept going over in my mind how I wanted my grid to be that perfect. This is actually what I thought I was getting when I got sisterlocks but alas my beautiful babies didn't turn out this way. I like to think that God hides a lesson in every situation. Over the past couple of days I've tried to find the lesson in this particular one. So I ask that you bear with me as I explain how and why I came to the conclusion that I did.
My analysis took me back to childhood and some insecurities that I've carried since then. When I was growing up my family was the poor family living in the broken down house with a bunch of unruly children. I'm an only child but I grew up with six of my cousins in the house with me. Our house was roach and rat infested with no sink or running water in the kitchen. I was teased in grade school about my clothing and because I'd had a couple of embarassing incidents that proved just how poor we really were. Even from a young age I was determined to never live this way again. My solution was to strive for perfection, perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect girlfriend, etc... I figured if I were perfect there was no room for failure.
My analysis took me back to childhood and some insecurities that I've carried since then. When I was growing up my family was the poor family living in the broken down house with a bunch of unruly children. I'm an only child but I grew up with six of my cousins in the house with me. Our house was roach and rat infested with no sink or running water in the kitchen. I was teased in grade school about my clothing and because I'd had a couple of embarassing incidents that proved just how poor we really were. Even from a young age I was determined to never live this way again. My solution was to strive for perfection, perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect girlfriend, etc... I figured if I were perfect there was no room for failure.
I knew that most of my circumstances at that time were out of my control. What I felt I could control was myself and how I was perceived. I felt that if I carried myself a certain way that people wouldn't be able to see all the things that were "wrong" with me. I became very opionated about everything and everyone, going as far as to pass judgement and give everyone my thoughts on any matter. I didn't care that what I said and how I said it hurt peoples feelings because I was just telling it like it was, you know, "keeping it real". All the while I secretly envied many of the people that I criticized. I was a horrible friend to some people that I truly loved and lost some because I was constantly judging and looking down on them. I would pick people apart that I felt had more or better than me, i.e. money, stable homelife, beautiful clothes, perfect hair. I had to find something wrong with them to make me feel better about myself. Because no matter how hard I tried or how much I'd accomplished I still felt like that same scared, poor, little imperfect girl. I also felt that having "things" would make me feel more worthy. I found that no matter how many material things I attained or how good I looked on the outside I still never felt I'd reached my goal of perfection. Whether it were the latest hairdo or fashion trends I always ended up with something less than perfect. I was utterly and completely miserable. I'd always hear the mantra about loving yourself and had convinced myself that I did. But how can you love yourself when you can't accept you for who you are?
It has taken years, some soul searching, and God to realize that I am perfect. I am the most perfect Sereni-T that I can be. There is no one else like me. I am unique and special in my very own way. I don't have to be perfect or anything other than Sereni-T to love me or to be loved by others. I feel the same way about my hair. While I didn't get the perfectly parted grid that I desired, my new babies will produce a beautiful head of sisterlocks. They are unique and special in they're very own way. There will be no other head of sisterlocks that look like mine. In my eyes they are and will forever be perfect.
ETA: I just wanted to clarify that my parts and grid are not bad. My consultant did a wonderful job on my hair. There are a few things here and there but nothing intolerable . They're just not as perfect as I had envisioned.
I though I was the only one obsessed with parting. I have been comparing my grid and parting to other sisterlocked sisters and always end up with a poked out bottom lip. Now my parting is in no way, jacked up or or uber horrid, its just not like THAT and other parts I have seen. But if my hair was gridded like that, I would just find something else less than perfect to complain about lol.
ReplyDeleteAs your locks start to fill out, you are going to find that although the partings are still there, they are not going to remain as defined.
ReplyDeleteAs somebody who has been locked for a while (traditional and sisterlocks), I found that I started to grow fond of not seeing all the partings. I like when my head of locks look full and all the parts are disguised. In fact, I don't like to see scalp at all.
I think the way you ladies are feeling is normal though, especially for us as black women, the neatness and beauty of a hair style has always been determined by how neat and defined the partings are and how tight the hairstyle is (as in not too slack).
I know we all have different preferences though, so while you are having loc envy for somebody else's locks, they are prob having loc envy for yours. So for example, Sereni, I wish I started out with a full head of locs like yours, and foxy diva, I wish I had as much length as you. :)
Oh! I remember this site. I've pretty much let go of the parting envy. I have faith in my consultant, and I know that my head just isn't shaped like anyone elses. So, I just assume my parts won't be either. I've looked at so many locks on different blogs (including yours Sereni-T), but I am really just trying to understand that I have to love my locks... and no one elses! Your hair looks absolutely fabulous!
ReplyDeleteOkay, just "lurking by" After seeing your locks, you could say I got Lock Envy, but no... I have lock admiration! You have over 500 locks on your head? I only have 300+ and I am in need of a retightening. I can only be me, and that includes my hair.
ReplyDeleteTake Care~
aaaah,great attitude and lesson learned! Do you and be who you is!
ReplyDeleteThank you again ladies. I'm trying not to obsess about this hair thing. That was the reason I chose to dig a little deeper to see what was making me feel that way. Oh and for the record my parts aren't "bad" they're just not as perfect as I had envisioned. But I love my babies and wouldn't trade them.
ReplyDelete@Queenli - Your blog is the one I read about lock admiration. Now that I read it again, with the definition of envy, I would have to say that I "admire" this consultant skill at parting grids. That definition makes is sound so evil and that is not what I felt in any way shape or form.
@Foxydiva - I agree with what you said about finding "something". I think if I had that grid I'd probably find something as well.
@MsNaNa - Thanks for your words of encouragement.
@Chinue - I just love you girl. Your words are very true and I really do appreciate that you always stay tuned and comment on my blog. I'm not really worried about the parts showing, I actually don't want them to show. If I had gotten any other type of locks I probably wouldn't have cared as much. It's just that I felt like I paid for a system so my expectations were very high going in.
I was just lurking by your blog & read this post. I want to let you know that I admire you for telling your story & how you learned the lesson. Yes I know it's your blog but it takes alot to let other's know "your" story.
ReplyDeleteBy the way your hair looks great!
Hey Sereni-T thank you so much for supporting us! We really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteHey Sereniti, Let me start by sayin I love how open you were in your post. Its funny because I am a very blunt, tell it like it is person but lately I have been examining myself and wondering if I tell it like it is to cover up some issues I have about myself, we'll c when my quest is complete. ANywhooo I know exactly how you feel about that page. I've seen in the past when I was knee deep in my sisterlock stalking adventures LOL and I agree that the are practically perfect in everyway, at least from the outside looking in. My consultant did a wonderful job but I am so glad that I can't see the back of my head well or I would probably be pouting as well. Your locks look awesome maybe not as perfect as you would like them to be but its the little kinks, curls and funky things they do that I know makes them perfect to you. I look forward to following your journey.
ReplyDeleteKay
I love the photos on the Cammalocks site. I think she chose not to maintain her sisterlocks certification. Her work is very precise - great parting as you say!
ReplyDelete(I think you were just lurking my site! ;O)
When you click on FEEJIT, (this time), click on 'watch in realtime' and you will see Milton, MA and the links to the photos you were looking at - you will even see a link to FEEJIT - that is how I know you linked to FEEJIT! (Big Sister is Watching! ;o)
ReplyDeleteHey girl, if you are still interested in becoming a DIYer you can check out these sites. Some very useful information is provided. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://nubianlockedprincessnyc.blogspot.com/2008/10/interlocking-patterns.html
http://kalia-dewdrop.blogspot.com/2009/03/video-tightening-your-locks.html
I post the following comment under your DIYer post but I'm not sure if you will see it since that post was a while back. So see below :) :-
ReplyDeleteI am starting to see things differently. I NEVER thought the way you maintain them (whether DIYer or via consultant) would determine if you have Sisterlocks.
I however used to lean to the side of paying to get trained in how to retighten, since I know of people who have had problems with sisterlocks because of what they or their consultant did which started to show up in their locks or lack of later down.
The way I see it now, if you can find out the authentic way of retightening without paying a bag of money and waiting 6 months to go to the training sessions or if you can get the nappylocs tool (although I still think that consultants who use the nappylocs tool should at least let the client know before using this tool to retighten their locks), then I don't see why not.
As has been mentioned it's harder to find a decent consultant who is near to you in the States, then you seem to have to wait at least 6 months for the training session to learn how to do it. Also it's kinda ridiculous to have to wait til your next retightenining to correct two or so locks that are unravelling or what not. Then there is the economic crisis to consider right now. So we have to save and be practical where we can.
I don't know, I think the longer I have been Sisterlocked it's the more my naivete on these matters are disappearing...